The Cost of Being Low Maintenance As A Mixed Race Person Who Learned to Avoid Being “Too Much” By Over-Accommodating Everyone Else
The fear of being “too much” or “not enough” is often something that is established in childhood and confirmed many times over throughout the course of life.
As a mixed kid, you might have had a lot of emotional needs go unmet – whether from family who didn’t know what to say or outright criticized you, friends who couldn’t adequately mirror your reality back to you, or teachers who didn’t know how to handle monoracist comments from your classmates.
You may have internalized the idea that because you were different you needed to fit in, to blend in, instead of calling attention to yourself. And when people didn’t understand what you needed, you decided that the right move was to ask for nothing, to need less, because instead of understanding that your needs were important even though they couldn’t be met, kids often internalize things to mean that there is something wrong with them. So this fear of being “too much” and the drive to be “low maintenance” got generalized to every relationship and every circumstance.
The Problem With Being Low Maintenance
But it’s inauthentic to lead in every relationship from a stance of being “low maintenance,” because everyone has needs. And inauthenticity doesn’t build real relationships, it builds performative ones. Which means, in order to keep those relationships going, you have to keep up the performance, never fully knowing or trusting that you can relax, be honest, authentic.
While there are often admirable motivations underneath these patterns – to be helpful to others, to not be a burden, or to preserve relationships – when it comes to your closest relationships, healthy relationships aren’t about being accepted, or being acceptable, they are about being seen, they are about receiving support as much as you also provide it.
The Benefit of Naming Your Real Feelings and Needs
The people who feel fulfilled in their relationships aren’t just lucky - they just aren’t afraid to ask for what they need. They know how to verbalize their needs, and they also don’t take it personally when someone can’t meet them. They use whatever response they get as information, and they understand the nuance of the information. Because sometimes, a no to your request just means, “Not right now” or, “I’d love to, but it’s beyond my own capacity.”
On the other end of the spectrum, when you verbalize a need and someone is able to meet it, this is what builds trust, security, and fulfillment in relationships. I know that trust and security are sometimes elusive concepts to mixed race people, because we experience a lack of belonging in nearly every sector of our lives – even as adults, you might not always feel seen in your complexity, you might struggle to know your place at work, in your friendships, dating, and even in your own family. But that doesn’t mean feeling fulfilled and a sense of belonging are out of reach – it just means we have to be intentional to cultivate these feelings in our relationships.
How To Get More Comfortable Expressing Your Feelings, Needs, and Boundaries
That’s why I created Bold Belonging, a four-month somatic coaching experience for mixed race people who feel a lack of belonging in their families. Inside Bold Belonging, we’ll build you an intentional support circle of at least 3 chosen family in 16 weeks - even if you’re afraid you’re “not enough” or “too much.”
The Bold Belonging approach to clear communication encompasses four key pillars:
Somatic Self-Trust: Approach every conversation and recover from every conflict with energy that says ‘I got this’.
Doubtless Decisions: Assess your needs and make relationship decisions without asking everyone around you for validation.
Balanced Boundaries: Communicate limits clearly without overexplaining, disappearing, or cutting people off unnecessarily.
Courageous Care: Ask for support, receive care, and build relationships where your needs are allowed to matter too.
→ By the end of the first month, you’ll be able to discern your own needs from others.
→ By the end of the second month, you'll be prepared to address recurring issues in your relationships related to race, boundaries, or reciprocity.
→ By the end of the third month, you’ll feel comfortable asking for – and actually receiving – support.
→ By the end of the fourth month, you’ll finally be able to exhale knowing that you have relationships where your needs are allowed to matter.
How My Client Kat Built the Confidence to Be in Black Social Spaces
This is the same approach that helped my client Kat go from avoiding vulnerable situations to showing up authentically in Black social spaces.
Before coaching, Kat (Mixed Black) often felt shaky and nauseous when they were misunderstood. To avoid those sensations, they held back in relationships and opted out of Black social spaces, even though they wanted a strong connection to the community.
Through somatic capacity-building exercises, Kat learned to remain more grounded while meeting new people, setting boundaries, and navigating vulnerable moments.
As a result, Kat says “I feel much more grounded in my own sense of self and able to distinguish others' needs from my own. I'm confident that I can build relationships that feel good for me from a place of authenticity. Our work together has helped me feel more deeply rooted into myself and my ancestry.”
The Details
Inside Bold Belonging, you’ll be supported with:
A free 6-Month Subscription to the Mixed Race Belonging Collective
You’ll get INSTANT access to my online community just for mixed folks, where you’ll be able to attend monthly workshops, monthly coaching, watch practice videos and listen to audio meditations, ask questions and more so you can avoid spirals, stay grounded, and build your resilience - now and for years to come.
12 Deep Dive Calls
We’ll meet for 60-minutes every week for two months and every other week for two months. This is where we do the work of processing real-life challenges you’re dealing with. We’ll make decisions about which relationships warrant more energy and which have reached their expiration date, build out a toolkit of somatic practices, and generate custom scripts you can use in your conversations. You’ll leave each session with something tangible to do.
Access to the Bold Belonging Resource Vault
A file folder containing all the frameworks and practices you’ll need to build self-trust and elevate your communication skills and start having bold, brave, honest conversations.
Oh Shit Support
When a difficult conversation or decision comes up between sessions, send me a voice message for a brief pep talk, grounding reminder, or help organizing what you want to say. Support is available Monday through Friday, with responses within one business day.
You get all of this for the price of $2600, which you can pay in full or through a payment plan.
So if you’re ready to start building relationships where you actually feel seen, heard, and held, book a free call to discuss what you are navigating, ask questions, and see how Bold Belonging can help you. I can’t wait to talk!
